Most of us are in conflict with ourselves and with our partners about money. The typical person is either a spender or a saver and there's usually one of each in a marriage. I'll go one step further and suggest that every person has both natures warring inside of him or herself, vying for dominance. At the end of this article, I'll suggest an answer that has started working for me – a truly messed up person, financially speaking!
Let's look at the conflict inside of us first. The more mature side of us (let's call him or her the Parent) recognizes the importance of learning about money and applying these lessons. The Parent got you to read this article and me to write it. She is serious about steering us clear of financial ruin and finding a clear path towards financial well-being. The Parent thrives on growth and stability. The Parent is the saver.
The other side of us is – you guessed it - The Child. This part of us craves freedom and no rules about money. She spends to make herself and/or others happy. When she thinks at all, she argues with The Parent that life is short and we ought to enjoy our money just in case it all ends tomorrow. The Child is the spender.
Most of us have a more dominant side that reveals itself in everything we do with money. This is especially true in a marriage or even a business partnership (I have both with Beth). In my home and business, my wife plays the role of The Parent and I play the role of The Child. Not surprisingly, we have selected to play these same roles in our stage shows for children! Life imitates art and the reverse is also true.
Now here's the kicker: I feel fortunate to have married someone who is different than me. Beth balances me in so many ways, including financially. Of course, this Yin-Yang duality comes with a price tag – friction. Many a great marriage flounders because of this friction and mine has certainly had its share of squalls. I think it's fair to say that they have been intensified by neither Beth nor I possessing the willingness to give in to the other at times. More recently, though, we're learning to do just that.
In our life, we have been aware of this challenge for years. Due to the economy and our aging, we are working much harder to understand and bridge the gap between us. As the months and years go by, I've become less likely to spend frivolously and she has learned to free herself from hoarding what we make. It's a long process, but we are changing for the better.
Are you in a relationship that has you pointing your finger at your spouse believing that he or she must do all of the changing? If so, I suggest that you look in the mirror. Ask yourself, "What can I do to bring truth and compassion to this issue?" If you're like most of us, you can do better. Even if you're "right", you will lose if you stand there with your arms folded and refuse to be understanding. Change is hard and these financial patterns are a bitch to break.
The only answer is love: loving ourselves first and then loving our partner. We must understand that our financial flaws are here to teach us and that our partners can help us to see ourselves honestly. How does this look to a spender like me? I keep track of my expenses, I get involved with the budgeting and I try like hell to stop myself from spending. And I stop judging myself and my partner long enough to say, "what can WE do today to make ourselves better off financially?" It's a start.
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